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causes of premature ejaculation, shadow wok

Shadow Work As A Cure for Premature Ejaculation

How Shadow Work Can Help with Premature Ejaculation

Alright, let’s get real here. Premature ejaculation (PE) can make you feel like a failure in bed, but this shouldn’t be the way it is. You’re not broken, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for having this common issue, and nothing at wrong with finding a solution. In fact, PE is way more common than you think. That said, PE can bring up a whole mix of emotions: frustration, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, or even feelings of failure. This is where shadow work comes in. Shadow work is a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing that might just change the game for you. Coming too fast, and want to know what  shadow work is? OK. Let’s break it down.

What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is a term coined by Carl Jung, a psychologist who talked a lot about the “shadow self.” This shadow self is essentially all the stuff we hide from ourselves and others—our insecurities, fears, suppressed emotions, and even desires we’re too ashamed to admit. It’s the parts of us we shove into the mental junk drawer because they feel too uncomfortable or inconvenient to deal with.

Shadow work involves intentionally exploring that junk drawer, pulling out what’s inside, and figuring out how it impacts your life. Instead of running from the shadow, you turn around, face it, and say, “Alright, what do you have to teach me?” Once you know that, you can actually begin to clean out the junk!

How Does This Connect to Premature Ejaculation?

Premature ejaculation isn’t just a physical issue—it’s always tied to deeper mental and emotional issues. Sure, there’s biology involved, but stress, anxiety, shame, and unresolved emotional baggage can fuel the fire. Shadow work is like a flashlight for those hidden layers. By working through them, you might uncover the underlying causes that contribute to PE and begin to rewire how you approach intimacy, emotions, and even your own body.

Video – the causes and cures of premature ejaculation

Here are  a few key areas where shadow work might help you in a search for a cure for PE

Unpacking Shame and Self-Judgment

One of the biggest challenges with PE is the shame that often comes with it. Society puts a ton of pressure on men to perform a certain way in the bedroom—long-lasting, confident, in control. When things don’t go as expected, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt or think, “What’s wrong with me?”

Shadow work asks you to sit with that shame instead of running from it. What’s behind it? Maybe you have a fear of being judged or rejected by a partner. Maybe you’ve internalized toxic ideas about masculinity. Or maybe you’re just really hard on yourself in general.

When you dig into those feelings, you might realize they’re based on old beliefs that no longer serve you. Shadow work gives you the chance to challenge those beliefs and replace them with more compassionate ones. Instead of thinking, “I’m failing as a man,” you might shift to, “I’m learning how to better connect with myself and my partner.”

Video – shadow work and sexual issues (including premature ejaculation)

Addressing Anxiety and Overthinking

Let’s be honest—PE can often feel like a vicious cycle. You’re worried it’s going to happen, and then the worry makes it all the more likely to happen. It’s like trying to fall asleep while panicking about not sleeping. That’s where anxiety “takes hold of the wheel of the bus”, as the saying has it; shadow work can help you take back that control. Anxiety often comes from unacknowledged fears or past experiences that keep replaying in your head. Through shadow work, you can explore questions like:

  • When did I first start feeling this way about sex or my performance?
  • Are there other areas of my life where I feel pressure to perform or prove myself?
  • What am I truly afraid of happening if I can’t “last longer”?
  • Sometimes, you might trace your anxiety back to a specific moment—a harsh comment from a past partner, unrealistic expectations you’ve internalized, or even non-sexual stress bleeding into the bedroom. Once you identify the source, you can begin to dismantle its power over you.

Exploring Emotional Suppression

A lot of men grow up learning to suppress emotions—anger, sadness, fear, vulnerability. Somewhere along the line, society taught you that feeling deeply (especially grief) isn’t “manly,” and so you learned to shove those emotions down.

But here’s the thing: suppressed emotions don’t disappear. They sit under the surface, often showing up in unexpected ways, like in your body. PE could be one of those ways—your body might be reacting to unprocessed emotions you haven’t let yourself fully feel.

Shadow work invites you to reconnect with those emotions. What are you really feeling when you’re with your partner? Excitement? Fear of letting them down? Maybe even a mix of both? By allowing yourself to feel those emotions without judgment, you can start to release the tension they create.

Reclaiming Your Sexual Energy

Your sexual energy is a big part of who you are as a man, but if you’ve struggled with premature ejaculation, you might have a complicated relationship with that sexual energy. Maybe you avoid thinking about it altogether because it feels frustrating or shameful. Maybe you rush through sex and intimacy because you’re afraid of “messing up.” Shadow work can help you reclaim that energy and approach it with curiosity and care. Here are some questions you might try asking yourself:

  • How do I really feel about my sexual energy and desires?
  • Have I ever been taught to feel guilty or ashamed about my sexuality?
  • What would it look like to fully embrace my sexual self, flaws and all?

As you work through these questions, you might discover that PE isn’t just a “problem” to fix—it’s also an opportunity to connect more deeply with yourself and your partner.

Strengthening Intimacy and Vulnerability

Shadow work isn’t just about you; it can also improve how you show up in your relationships. Premature ejaculation can create a lot of tension in the bedroom, but it’s also an opportunity to build intimacy and trust with your partner.

Instead of avoiding the topic or pretending it doesn’t exist, shadow work can help you be honest and vulnerable about your feelings. It might feel terrifying at first, but sharing your struggles can actually strengthen your connection. When you let your partner see the real you—shadow and all—you open the door to deeper understanding and support.

How to Start Shadow Work

Okay, so shadow work sounds pretty deep, but how do you actually do it? Here are a few beginner-friendly steps:

Journal About Your Feelings

Start by writing down your thoughts about PE—everything you feel, think, or fear about it. Don’t censor yourself. The goal is to let your subconscious speak.

Ask Reflective Questions

  • What triggers my anxiety or shame during intimacy?
  • What beliefs about sex and masculinity did I pick up growing up?
  • How do I respond when I feel vulnerable or “not enough”?

And so on.

Practice Self-Compassion

As you uncover uncomfortable truths, remind yourself: you’re human. Shadow work isn’t about judging yourself—it’s about understanding and healing. Read more about mindful self-compassion here.

Seek Support

If things get overwhelming, consider talking to a therapist, coach, or counsellor who specializes in shadow work or emotional healing and sexuality. 

Meditate and Visualize

Use mindfulness practices to sit with your emotions. Visualize yourself embracing your shadow, not fighting it.

In Conclusion

Hopefully by now you’re feeling more optimistic, and coming to see that premature ejaculation isn’t a life sentence—it’s a signal, right here, right now. Suppose your body is trying to tell you something deeper? Well, shadow work is one way to listen. By exploring the emotional and psychological layers behind rapid ejaculation, you can not only address the issue but also grow as a person. You’ll build a stronger connection with yourself, your partner, and your sexuality.

At the end of the day, shadow work is about self-love. It’s about embracing every part of you—the light, the dark, and everything in between. And trust me, when you do that, the confidence, control, and peace you’re looking for will follow.

shadow work, shadow work and intimacy

Shadow work can help with sexual and relationship problems

Shadow work can be a valuable tool for resolving sexual difficulties and emotional issues in a relationship.

Here’s how it can help:

Understanding Hidden Aspects Of The Self

Shadow work involves exploring the hidden or suppressed aspects of ourselves, often referred to as the “shadow.” These can include unresolved emotions, past traumas, or negative beliefs that we might not be fully aware of. By bringing these to light, you can understand why certain emotional triggers or patterns occur in your relationship, including those related to intimacy and sexuality.

Shadow work promotes greater self-awareness, which is crucial in a relationship. When both partners engage in shadow work, they can better understand their own emotional baggage and how it might be affecting their sexual connection and emotional intimacy.  Many sexual difficulties are rooted in unresolved trauma or negative experiences from the past. Shadow work helps in identifying and addressing these wounds, leading to healing and a more positive sexual experience.

By understanding your shadow self, you can communicate more openly and honestly with your partner about your needs, desires, and fears. This can lead to a deeper emotional connection and more fulfilling sexual relationship.

Teal Swan on shadow work

Shadow work can also help you identify and break negative patterns or cycles of intimacy in your relationship. For example, if one partner unconsciously sabotages intimacy due to fear of vulnerability, shadow work can help bring this behavior to light and transform it. Understanding each other’s shadow aspects can foster empathy and compassion, reducing judgment and conflict in the relationship.

Enhancing Emotional Intimacy

As both partners delve into their shadow selves and share these experiences, it can build trust and emotional closeness. This can be particularly beneficial for overcoming sexual difficulties, as emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual satisfaction.
Shadow work encourages vulnerability, which can lead to more authentic and deeper emotional connections. This openness can enhance both emotional and sexual intimacy.

However, if you’re dealing with deep-seated trauma or severe sexual difficulties, working with a therapist skilled in shadow work or a related approach can be particularly beneficial. For shadow work to be most effective in a relationship, both partners should be open to the process and willing to explore their own shadows.

Learning about shadow work before trying it out is a wise approach!

Shadow work involves exploring deep and often uncomfortable aspects of yourself. Start by reading books on shadow work. Here are some recommendations.

Owning Your Own Shadow by Robert A. Johnson: This is a great introduction to the concept of the shadow, explaining how it forms and affects our lives.  Shadow Dance by David Richo delves into how shadow work can improve relationships, making it particularly relevant for your situation.

You can also watch videos and lectures, which are easily available on YouTube, where there are many videos and talks by psychologists, therapists, and spiritual teachers who explain shadow work in accessible ways. In particular, search for lectures by Carl Jung experts, as Jung was the pioneer of the shadow concept, and also look for videos by Marianne Hill, who has brought a new approach to shadow work in the 21st century. 

Yet another approach is to explore articles and blogs which contain material about shadow work. Websites like Psychology Today often have articles that discuss shadow work, providing practical insights and examples. Many coaches and therapists write about their experiences with shadow work, offering real-life examples and tips.

You can also do some practical exercises. Start with basic journaling prompts to explore your shadow. Examples include: “What qualities in others do I dislike? How might these reflect parts of myself?”  and “What recurring patterns or themes do I notice in my relationships?” or “What memories make me feel ashamed or embarrassed? Why?”
You can also use journaling to reflect on daily interactions and any strong emotional reactions. This can help you begin to identify shadow aspects.

Some online communities offer a great approach to shadow work. For example, forums and social media groups focused on shadow work are places  where people share their experiences, challenges, and insights. Reddit has a few subreddits dedicated to shadow work, and Facebook has several active groups. If you are ready to take part, look online for workshops or webinars led by therapists or spiritual teachers who specialize in shadow work.

At some point you may wish to speak with a therapist who has experience in shadow work, Jungian psychology, or depth psychology. They can provide personalized guidance and ensure you’re approaching it safely and effectively. That said, there is much you can do for yourself, for example by engaging in “Mindful Observation”. This means that you begin by observing your reactions and feelings in everyday situations. Notice when you feel triggered, jealous, or overly emotional—these reactions often point to shadow aspects. As you start exploring your shadow, remember to approach yourself with kindness and compassion. Shadow work can bring up difficult emotions, so it’s important to take care of yourself during the process.

Meditation and Mindfulness Practices are guided meditations specifically designed for shadow work. These can help you access and integrate shadow aspects in a gentle and controlled way. Regular mindfulness practice can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, making it easier to recognize shadow aspects as they arise.

By taking these steps, you can build a solid understanding of shadow work, ensuring you approach it with the knowledge and tools needed to make it a positive and transformative experience.

delayed ejaculation causes and cure

Aspects Of Delayed Ejaculation

Emotional And Psychological Causes of Slow Male Orgasm & Ejaculation

In the 1950s Masters and Johnson did some work on men who had trouble ejaculating. They listed the emotional and psychological causes of delayed ejaculation like this:

  • psychosocial factors (meaning behavioral patterns and relationships, life events, personality traits)
  • developmental factors (which means traumatic experiences around sex and problems with gender identity, difficult relationships within the family, and problematic or challenging attitudes towards issues of sex in the family)
  • personal factors (which means things like anxiety, depression, guilt, low self-esteem, lack of sex education, influence of cultural stories and beliefs about sex, and a poor body image)

Other people have suggested causes as varied as

  • fear of castration
  • fear of pregnancy
  • fear of relationship commitment
  • sexual performance anxiety
  • dissociation and spectatoring during sex
  • rigid religious attitudes and pressures which cause sexual guilt, avoidance of sex and hostility (towards one’s partner or oneself).

Relationship Issues: A Cause Of Delayed Ejaculation?

It’s obvious relationship issues are very important in sexual problems.

I mean, if you have doubt about your commitment to your sexual relationship, you may not want sex, you may not get very aroused, and might not even come.

Or maybe you unconsciously decide to stop ejaculating as a way to hold some power… And while that sounds a bit passive-aggressive, believe me, it happens.

Or perhaps a man who is emotionally “uptight” fears letting himself go – he must be in control at all times…. but the thing is, when you come, you have to let go of control. So – no orgasm, no loss of control. Simple.

But other researchers suggest the correct explanation for delayed ejaculation is the simplest – there’s not enough sexual stimulation for the man to reach orgasm.

This could be because the couple are just not exciting each other any more (and maybe they never did). However, many men have these ejaculation problems all their lives, so maybe that idea’s a bit too simple to explain slow ejaculation?

Autosexuality

Bernard Apfelbaum believes that some men with delayed ejaculation are actually more interested in sex with themselves than sex with a partner. He calls this being “autosexual”. Are such men selfish? Perhaps not.  Perhaps men like this are TOO concerned with pleasing their partners.

Maybe they focus too much on their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own. Perhaps they simply don’t know that they have sexual needs, or for some reason they can’t or don’t know how to take care of their sexual needs… but for some reason they always put their partner first.

And what’s more interesting is that because they are so focused on their partner, they don’t notice how much sexual stimulation they are receiving or how aroused they are.

That’s why Apfelbaum came up with the concept of “partner anorgasmia”: because some men only show symptoms of delayed ejaculation when they are with a partner. 

Yet we know men with delayed ejaculation often have a hard and prolonged erection. Strangely, they only have low levels of sexual arousal. Apfelbaum believes that this hard and often long-lasting erection is really some kind of automatic response to being sexual – and its function is more about fulfilling the needs of the man’s partner than fulfilling his own.

Apfelbaum says that men who have delayed ejaculation or are slow to ejaculate greatly desire to satisfy their partner before they satisfy themselves. In fact, they put their partner before themselves. They are just too responsible for their partner’s pleasure.

And that means the man cannot get sexual pleasure. As a result the man’s partner may feel unattractive and unable to turn him on.

And there is some evidence this may be right – research has shown that men who take ages are not very aroused.

So it seems this low level of sexual arousal is a key diagnostic sign in delayed ejaculation.

And of course, there are other explanations for DE. Maybe for some reason the man’s penis is not very sensitive. Maybe a couple don’t not have an ideal environment for sex. The man or woman may have some physical problem that spoils sex or prevents orgasm – an example would be painful intercourse (dyspareunia) causes by Peyronie’s disease or phimosis.

A complete medical examination might be useful whenever delayed ejaculation rears its head. But also check out your emotions, your physical condition, and the state of your relationship. They can all play a part in causing delayed or – as it is sometimes known – retarded ejaculation.

Personality Characteristics Of Men With Delayed Ejaculation

Men often want to believe there’s a physical cause for their difficulty in reaching orgasm because this is easier to cope with than the idea of an emotional or psychological cause.

Yet if you look at the problem, emotional factors are never far below the surface. For example, men with delayed ejaculation often experience is a sense of disappointment around sexual intercourse.

Why? Perhaps because me who have difficulty in this area have been brought up in an environment where sex was somehow “taboo” or there was shame or guilt associated with it in the family.

The outcome of such an upbringing can be very serious repression of a man’s  sexuality, so that he is out of touch with his own sexual feelings, and therefore out of touch with his sexual connection to his partner.

What tends to make delayed ejaculation more prominent is that very often there is the additional factor of a hard and unyielding childhood environment which forces on the kid a sense of psychological toughness.

When you think about this, you can see that a boy in this situation has to deny his own vulnerability.

But for a boy who denies his vulnerability and then grows up into a man unable to open up to a female partner, you can probably see how sex is not going to be particularly rewarding – or even possibly exciting. Being cut off from your own feelings is a handicap in every area of life, emotional, physical and sexual. But there are other problems in the origin of delayed ejaculation as well.

Most people can move between an erotic fantasy life and their everyday world reality – for example, one might just start a sexual daydream or sexual fantasy for no obvious reason, and then slip back into the normal, everyday world when something brings your attention back to everyday matters.

But some men looking to find a way to deal with delayed ejaculation find it quite difficult to make the move between their erotic internal fantasy world and the “real world” – probably because the internal sexual fantasy world is somehow threatening to them.

Now imagine that you’d been brought up in such a way that you found the whole concept of sexuality and entering into sexual feelings threatening. Wouldn’t you wish to avoid sexual contact, or anything which opened you up to a sense of vulnerability with your sexual partner? In fact, wouldn’t it be more likely that you’d want to avoid even having a sexual partner?

Because what could be safer than having sex with yourself?

No threat. No vulnerability. No need to open up. So there’s a kind of logic here which suggests that some men – though certainly not all – who have difficulty ejaculating (or who can’t ejaculate at all) haven’t had the normal experience of sexual development that goes along with being male in our society.

And in passing, it’s worthwhile noting that there are probably a lot of men who have had these experiences in childhood who develop premature ejaculation – which you can also see as the consequence of anxiety and anger and fear around sexual feelings and thoughts.

But what it all comes down to is this: delayed ejaculation problems usually indicate that a man is cut off from his own sexuality and his own capacity to be fully sexual and sexually confident.

He may not get aroused, and he may have negative associations with sexuality in general, or with male sexuality in particular. So how can he find a way to be sexually aroused and to relax into the sexual experience with female partner?

The Essence Of Delayed Ejaculation

The essence of the problem is that he can’t function in a relaxed, comfortable and confident way when sex or sexual contact is available.

And this can manifest in many ways: the simplest is not being able to ask for what he wants in a sexual situation. In fact, he may not even know what he wants in a sexual situation. And obviously one of the ways of dealing with this is to become over-attentive to the needs of his partner.

The very mechanism of a man’s sexual arousal might be blocked, so that a man who is being touched sexually by his partner doesn’t become aroused, even if he develops an erection. You see, what you have to understand here is that while the body can become aroused in response to physical stimulation, a man can remain UNaroused mentally and emotionally.

archetypes, shadow work

Archetypes and Therapy

What are archetypes and who came up with the idea of archetypes?

The term “archetype” has a rich history and multifaceted meaning, making it a fascinating concept to explore.

In its simplest form, an archetype is a fundamental pattern or model that recurs across cultures and throughout history. These patterns can manifest in various forms, including Characters like the hero, the wise old man, the trickster, the damsel in distress,  and so on.  Or situations like the quest, the battle, the fall from grace and so on. Or as symbols: The circle, the tree, the snake, the water, and more. Then again, they occur as themes: good vs. evil, love and loss, betrayal and redemption, are but a few examples. 

Jung believed archetypes resided in the “collective unconscious,” a shared pool of memory and experience inherited from previous generations. This idea suggests that certain stories, characters, and themes resonate deeply with us because they tap into something universally human.

Who came up with the idea of archetypes?

Although the concept of archetypes has been explored throughout history, the most significant contribution came from Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. In the early 20th century, Jung proposed that archetypes are innate, non-personal elements of the psyche. He identified several key archetypes: 

  • The Persona: The public face we present to the world.
  • The Shadow: Our repressed or rejected traits and drives.
  • The Anima/Animus: The feminine/masculine principle within us all.
  • The Self: The core of our being, striving for wholeness and individuation.

Jung believed that understanding our individual archetypes is crucial for personal growth and psychological integration. But while Jung laid the groundwork for understanding archetypes, other scholars and theorists have expanded upon his ideas. Joseph Campbell identified the “monomyth,” a recurring narrative framework found in myths and storytelling across cultures. Robert Moore and Douglas Gillete wrote of the mdern male archetypes of King Warrior Magician and Lover.

Archetypes in everyday life

Understanding archetypes can be valuable in various aspects of life. For example, recognizing archetypes can help us appreciate the deeper meaning and significance of stories. And identifying our own dominant archetypes can offer insights into our motivations, strengths, and challenges, which can be helpful in understanding ourselves. 

To take another exmaple, recognizing archetypes in others can help us better understand their perspectives and communication styles, while writers and artists can use archetypes to create stories that resonate with a universal audience.

Introduction to the archetypes

In what way are archetypes relevant to our world today?

Archetypes are surprisingly extensive and multifaceted concepts which play a major role in our world. These are som examples of this idea:

  1. Archetypes form the building blocks of storytelling, from ancient myths to modern superhero movies. They offer familiar frameworks for understanding complex themes and conflicts, connecting with audiences on a deep emotional level. By tapping into these universal patterns, writers, filmmakers, and artists can create stories that resonate across cultures and generations.
  2. Recognizing archetypes in ourselves and others can provide valuable insights into our motivations, behaviors, and communication styles. This self-awareness can aid in personal growth, foster empathy, and strengthen relationships. For example, understanding the shadow side of our archetypes can help us confront suppressed aspects of ourselves while the “Anima/Animus” can inform us about our relationships with the opposite sex.
  3. Archetypes can offer valuable tools for understanding and addressing challenges we face in the modern world. For instance, the concept of the “trickster” can shed light on misinformation and manipulation, while the “hero” can inspire courage and resilience in the face of adversity. Analyzing archetypes within social movements or political landscapes can offer deeper insights into motivations and dynamics.
  4. Businesses and individuals leverage archetypes to connect with their target audience on an emotional level. By portraying themselves through archetypes like the “innovator,” the “caregiver,” or the “rebel,” they can tap into existing cultural associations and resonate with specific values or aspirations.
  5. Fostering creativity and innovation: Archetypes act as catalysts for imagination and inspire new ideas. By understanding and reinterpreting these universal patterns, artists, entrepreneurs, and innovators can create fresh perspectives and develop solutions to contemporary challenges.

However, it’s important to remember that Archetypes are not rigid boxes or limitations. They offer flexible frameworks, constantly evolving and adapting to new contexts. And an over-reliance on archetypes can lead to stereotyping and a reductive understanding of human complexity. The critical analysis of archetypes allows us to avoid blind acceptance and ensure their meaning remains relevant in today’s world. 

So, overall, archetypes remain potent forces in shaping our understanding of ourselves, each other, and the world around us. By approaching them with awareness and critical thinking, we can unlock their potential to navigate the complexities of the modern world and contribute to a more informed and connected society.

And how do archetypes play a part in therapy?

They offer valuable tools for both therapists and clients to explore the depths of the human psyche. For example, therapists can recognize underlying patterns and conflicts in clients’ narratives and behaviors by understanding archetypal themes. Also, someone struggling with recurring feelings of betrayal might resonate with the archetype of the “wounded warrior”, while someone grappling with self-doubt might embody the “magician’s archetypal inner critic.” Identifying these archetypal patterns can provide a starting point for deeper exploration and therapeutic intervention.

Next, archetypes residing in the collective unconscious, can bypass the defenses of the conscious mind and tap into deeper emotional experiences. Dreams, fantasies, and symbolic imagery often embody archetypal themes, offering valuable insights into unconscious conflicts and desires. Therapists trained in Jungian or archetypal psychology can utilize these symbolic expressions to guide clients towards self-discovery and healing.

Moreover, the core of Jungian therapy focuses on achieving individuation, the process of integrating different aspects of the personality into a whole. Archetypes serve as guiding forces in this process, helping clients confront their Shadow (repressed aspects), embrace their Anima/Animus (gender polarity), and ultimately connect with their authentic Self. By understanding and working with these archetypal energies, clients can move towards greater wholeness and personal growth.

And again, Archetypes offer powerful frameworks for finding meaning and purpose in life. The “hero’s journey,” for example, provides a relatable structure for navigating challenges and overcoming obstacles. Therapists can help clients identify their own archetypal journeys, connecting their personal struggles to universal themes and fostering a sense of agency and purpose.

Finally, recognizing archetypes in oneself and others can improve communication and foster empathy in therapy. Therapists can utilize archetypal understanding to bridge different perspectives, create a safe space for vulnerable self-expression, and build a stronger therapeutic alliance. This deeper connection can facilitate more effective communication and support the healing process.

It’s important to note that using archetypes in therapy is not about rigidly categorizing individuals or applying simplistic labels. Rather, it’s about offering flexible frameworks and symbolic language to understand the complexities of the human experience. By approaching archetypes with an open mind and critical lens, therapists can utilize their transformative potential to guide clients on their journeys towards self-discovery and healing.

To conclude: archetypes are not static concepts; they evolve and adapt to the ever-changing landscape of our world. As therapy continues to evolve, incorporating diverse perspectives and cultural contexts, the understanding and application of archetypes will undoubtedly continue to expand and refine, offering even more potent tools for therapists and clients alike.

James Hillman video – archetypal therapy

What is “parts work” in therapy?

“Part work” in therapy refers to a broad range of approaches that view our psyche as a collection of internal sub-personalities, often called “parts,” with distinct characteristics, roles, and motivations. These parts are believed to have formed in response to various life experiences, particularly challenging or traumatic ones. By understanding and working with these internal parts, therapists aim to address inner conflicts, heal old wounds, and promote greater integration and wholeness within the individual.

Key features of parts work

Parts work acknowledges that we are not singular entities but rather have numerous internal voices, feelings, and perspectives. Recognizing and validating these different parts is crucial for understanding our own behavior and emotional responses.

Each part is believed to have a specific role or function within the psyche. Some parts might protect us from emotional pain, while others might push us towards certain behaviors or fulfill unmet needs. Identifying these roles helps us gain insight into our inner landscape. When our internal parts have conflicting agendas or needs, it can lead to internal conflict and distress. Parts work helps us understand these conflicts, negotiate between parts, and find ways to move towards greater harmony within ourselves.

Many parts work approaches were developed to address the impact of trauma on the psyche. By working with traumatized parts, therapists can help individuals release trapped emotions, process memories, and find inner peace. The ultimate goal of parts work is to help individuals integrate their different parts into a more cohesive and harmonious whole. This allows for greater self-awareness, emotional flexibility, and overall well-being.

Several different therapeutic modalities incorporate elements of parts work, each with its own unique approach and techniques. Some of the most well-known include:

Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz, IFS views the mind as a family of internal parts, each with its own story and needs. The therapist acts as a mediator, helping the individual’s “Self” connect with and heal its various parts.
Ego State Therapy, pioneered by John and Helen Watkins, identifies and works with ego states, which are similar to parts but often associated with specific memories or experiences.
Shadow Work focuses on helping individuals release trapped emotions and trauma held in the body. This can be helpful in working with parts that are primarily experienced through bodily sensations. It also aims to restore the knowldege and power of cut off parts by intergating them into the whole of a person’s psyche. This is explained in this book on shadow work and archetypes.

While parts work can be a powerful tool for healing and growth, it’s important to note that it’s not for everyone. It can be emotionally challenging to confront difficult parts of ourselves, and the process can be time-consuming and require ongoing commitment. It’s crucial to find a therapist who is qualified and experienced in working with parts and who can create a safe and supportive environment for this type of exploration.

Here are some additional things to keep in mind about parts work:

  • It can be helpful to view parts as metaphors or stories rather than literal entities.
  • The goal is not to eliminate parts but to understand and integrate them into the whole.
  • Parts work is often an iterative process, with progress and setbacks being part of the journey.
  • If you’re interested in learning more about parts work and how it might benefit you, speak with a qualified shadow work facilitator or practitioner who can provide more information and guidance.
delayed ejaculation causes and cure, sexual self-confidence, shadow work

The Facts About Delayed Ejaculation

How Come You Can’t Ejaculate?

The Physical Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

One of the problems with research in this field is that there are few well conducted studies on long term delayed ejaculation causes.

That is surprising considering that there are so many men with the condition – estimates range from around 6% to over 10% of men.

Long term delayed ejaculation is not a consciously determined condition – in fact it is completely involuntary, and produces many emotional and practical difficulties for both the man and his partner. You can read more about the treatment of delayed ejaculation in this book.

One of the most challenging consequences is the failure to conceive because of the lack of male climax, but frustration and low self-esteem are also very important.

Delayed ejaculation is also extremely challenging for a man’s partner, as she may consider herself to be unattractive, undesirable, and possibly even a sexual failure.

She may believe that another woman would be better at satisfying her man sexually, and even if she engages in intercourse with her partner, she may be very upset about the extended period of thrusting that may be necessary for him to achieve ejaculation (if he is able to reach orgasm at all).

Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate events in the male body: the first is an event that occurs in the genitals, mediated by nervous pathways through the spinal column.

Orgasm is a much more widespread event, with sensations of pleasure originating in the brain, and possibly spreading throughout the body. The  so-called “numb come”, more scientifically termed “anesthetic ejaculation”, is an illustration of how the two events may occur independently.

The idea of anesthetic ejaculation is rather strange; if you’ve never experienced it, you may find it hard to believe that one can ejaculate without any sensation of orgasm, but it’s not uncommon. It’s usually due to a lack of physical arousal, while the reflex of emission and release of seminal fluid continues normally.

This lack of understanding is reflected in the Diagnostic and Statistcal Manual DSM IV, which categorizes reatrded or delayed ejaculation as “male orgasmic disorder”. Having said that, DSM-IV does offer a reasonable definition of delayed ejaculation:

A persistent or recurrent delay in, or absence of, orgasm in a man who has experienced sexual excitement and arousal during sexual activity at a level which would normally produce an orgasm in a man of that age and circumstances.

Unfortunately the DSM-IV definition also includes the statement that the clinician is the judge of what would be “enough” sexual activity to normally produce an orgasm!

This allows us to define it in a different way: delayed ejaculation is a condition where a man finds it difficult or impossible to ejaculate despite receiving adequate sexual stimulation, becoming erect, and desiring to achieve orgasm and ejaculation. It is a condition that can occur in sexual intercourse, masturbation or oral sex.

Another Definition Of Delayed Ejaculation

Bernard Apfelbaum thinks DE results from a man’s lack of sexual desire and sexual excitement.

He observes that most of his clients have difficulty in reaching orgasm with a sexual partner present, and suggests that such difficulty in reaching orgasm and ejaculating might be caused by what he calls an “autosexual” orientation.

In other words: a man is only stimulated to orgasm by his own stimulation (often when he is masturbating on his own).

But men with delayed ejaculation (DE for short) often have hard and long lasting erections. Surely this is a sign of sexual arousal? Well, possibly not.

The fact that a man cannot get sufficiently aroused to ejaculate with a sexual partner can be masked by a hard and long lasting erection. But his erection may be neither an expression of sexual desire nor of sexual excitement.

It’s merely a physical response, a bodily reaction, being used by the man to fulfill his partner’s expectations of intercourse.

Apfelbaum also suggested that it was unlikely that men with delayed ejaculation have strong feelings of hostility, anger or rejection towards women.

Shadow work and hostility towards women in sexual relationships

Shadow work can be a powerful tool for individuals seeking to explore and understand their unconscious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, including any hostility towards women. The concept of the “shadow” comes from Jungian psychology, and it refers to the unconscious aspects of the personality that are often hidden or suppressed. These aspects can include both positive and negative traits, emotions, and attitudes.

Here are some ways in which shadow work could help men who have unconscious hostility towards women:

Increased Self-awareness: Shadow work involves introspection and self-reflection. Engaging in this process can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, including any underlying hostility towards women.

Identification of Unconscious Patterns: Through shadow work, individuals may uncover recurring patterns or themes in their thoughts and behaviors that contribute to their hostility. Identifying these patterns is a crucial step toward understanding and addressing them.

Acceptance of the Shadow: Shadow work encourages individuals to accept and integrate both the positive and negative aspects of themselves. By acknowledging the existence of hostile thoughts or feelings, individuals can begin the process of self-acceptance.
Exploration of Root Causes:

Understanding the root causes of unconscious hostility is essential. Shadow work allows individuals to explore their past experiences, societal influences, and personal beliefs that may have contributed to the development of these feelings.

Developing Empathy: Through shadow work, individuals can cultivate empathy by exploring the experiences and perspectives of women. This can involve challenging existing biases and stereotypes, fostering a deeper understanding of the challenges women face.

Integration and Transformation:  Shadow work is not just about awareness but also about transformation. Integrating the shadow involves consciously choosing to change negative patterns and behaviors, replacing them with more positive and constructive attitudes.

Seeking Professional Guidance: Some individuals may find it helpful to engage in shadow work with the assistance of a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide guidance and support throughout the process. It’s important to note that shadow work is a personal and ongoing process, and its effectiveness can vary from person to person. Additionally, in cases where hostility towards women is deeply ingrained or severe, seeking professional help is crucial for a more comprehensive and tailored approach to personal growth and healing.

Another view

Men with DE might just be extremely self-controlling and conscientious about fulfilling the their duties as a sexual partner – the result of which is that they feel under immense pressure to satisfy their woman.

Never able to give enough, according to their internal belief system of how sex works, the man therefore also conveys the impression that his sexual partner is inadequate and cannot function sexually either.

The couple gradually withdraw from sex as a mutually satisfying experience into a world of autosexuality (at least as far as the man is concerned).

In essence, in this theory, delayed ejaculation is the result of a lack of sexual arousal.

And, interestingly, when men with ejaculation difficulties were interviewed in one study, they reported significantly lower levels of sexual arousal than men with normal sexual functioning, men with erectile dysfunction, and men with premature ejaculation.

So, in short, men with a slow, late or delayed climax appear to be characterized by a low level of sexual desire.

This sexual reticence, this delay in reaching orgasm, could be caused by both physical and emotional factors, including low penile sensitivity, a high ejaculatory reflex threshold, and the psychological issues that have already been mentioned.

The Meaning Of Delays In Ejaculation

During treatment, a sex therapist will interview a client to establish exactly how he feels about sexual activity.

He might, for example, ask whether the man experiences pressure to perform sexually even before sex begins, or whether these feelings may emerge later during sexual activity.

Or he may try to establish if a man is “cut off” or emotionally detached from his involvement in the sexual act, i.e., if he is slightly dissociated, a condition known as “spectatoring”.

A therapist would also want to establish the degree of connection between a man’s level of sexual arousal and his ability to gain an erection.

Other questions might include whether a man wanted to receive sexual stimulation from his partner, his level of and involvement in sexual fantasies, whether he had any feelings of guilt, and his ability to understand his own feelings and emotions during sexual contact with his partner.

That’s as opposed to having a focus on satisfying his partner. And it’s important to know about any sense of frustration or boredom during sex.

It’s important to establish how a man who can’t ejaculate understands his partner’s feelings, and what his level of anxiety about achieving orgasm during intercourse actually is (if he’s able to reach climax at all!).

It’s also critical to understand how a man with DE masturbates. This isn’t just about the technique that he uses to achieve orgasm with his hand, or in any other fashion, but also about the inner mental processes that he undergoes, and especially the fantasy imagery which accompanies his masturbation.

The biggest key, perhaps, to a man’s sexual functioning is whether or not there is any level of sexual fantasy about which he feels conflicted and which tries to suppress.

Another key point in analyzing DE is the fact that many men will continue attempting to reach orgasm during intercourse up to a point where they lose their erection.

This critical moment is worthy of close examination, because whatever happens at the point where the man’s erection begins to fade is clearly an important sign of the origin and treatment of his ejaculation problems.

Finally, it’s important to understand that this particular sexual dysfunction can be the product of side effects of drugs taken for other medical conditions.

Psychoanalytic View Of Ejaculation Problems

The psychoanalytic view of delayed ejaculation is that it is the bodily appearance of unconscious fears associated with sex in general, and ejaculation in particular: for example, ejaculation is associated with castration or death, or an unwillingness to “give” (that is to say, give his ejaculate to the sexual partner).

In psychoanalytic terms this is associated with anal-retentiveness.

In essence, something that is unacceptable to an individual is repressed into the conscious mind because s/he cannot allow himself to think or feel it.

Once in there it is transformed into an impulse which manifests in that person’s behavior.

In other words, a man’s reluctance to ejaculate is seen as a symptom of his unconscious hostility or resentment towards his sexual partner.

Apfelbaum has pointed out that there is another way of looking at this entirely: that is to say, a man who ejaculates in a very late fashion may be simply reflecting the fact that he does not want sex with his partner because he dislikes intercourse (or his partner).

In the absence of any justification or reason that will explain to his sexual partner why he feels this way, he instead adopts a pattern of behavior – albeit unconsciously – which involves rigid erections and long-lasting sex, whilst simultaneously and intensely resenting his role in (having to) satisfy his partner.

As Apfelbaum says, delayed ejaculation “is the mentality of the trapped… It is a foreign notion that he might need a good reason to refuse coital orgasms.”

Many men are accused of not wanting to “give” by their sexual partners. This suggests that the resistance to ejaculation is a symptom of a desire to “withhold” – an idea the psychoanalysts love!

But Apfelbaum suggests that this view represents the view of the partner and a generally held social consensus. There is no allowance in it for the fact that an individual man may actually not want to have sex, or that he may not enjoy sex if he does engage in it.

In general, it’s much more plausible to assume that a man who does not ejaculate during sex is in fact a man who is unable to “take, to be selfish, or responsible for his own pleasure, for the satisfaction of his own needs…..

Only when he is alone, masturbating without the presence of another individual, can he enjoy his sexual sensations and allow his desire and arousal to reach the point where he will ejaculate – mostly because he does not have to worry about the satisfaction of his partner.

sexual self-confidence

Masculinity, Fathers, and Sex

How does the absence of a father figure affect men’s self confidence in later life?

The absence of a father figure can have a significant impact on a man’s self-confidence in later life. However, it’s important to note that the effects can vary widely from person to person, depending on various factors such as the individual’s resilience, support system, and the specific circumstances of the father’s absence. Here are some ways in which the absence of a father figure can affect a man’s self-confidence:

Self-esteem and self-worth: A strong father figure can provide emotional support, validation, and affirmation that contribute to a child’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. When this figure is absent, it may leave a void in a man’s life, potentially leading to feelings of inadequacy or a lack of self-worth.

Identity development: Fathers often play a crucial role in helping their sons develop a sense of identity and self-concept. Absence or a strained relationship with a father can make it challenging for a man to understand and define himself, which may affect his self-confidence.

Role modeling: Fathers typically serve as role models for their children, demonstrating how to navigate challenges, handle emotions, and exhibit confidence. In the absence of a positive male role model, a man may struggle to develop these skills and may doubt his abilities.

Relationship dynamics: A man’s relationship with his father can influence his ability to form healthy relationships with others. If a father figure is absent or has been a source of trauma, it can lead to issues in forming and maintaining relationships, which can negatively impact a man’s self-confidence.

Coping with adversity: A supportive father figure can help a child learn to cope with life’s challenges, setbacks, and disappointments. Without this support, a man may find it more difficult to navigate adversity, potentially leading to lower self-confidence when facing difficult situations.

Emotional regulation: Fathers often play a role in teaching their children emotional regulation and coping strategies. In the absence of a father figure, a man may struggle with emotional regulation, which can impact his self-confidence in dealing with emotional challenges.

It’s important to note that while the absence of a father figure can have a significant impact on a man’s self-confidence, it is not deterministic. Many individuals are resilient and can develop self-confidence through other positive relationships, role models, and personal growth experiences. Therapeutic support and counseling can also help individuals address the emotional challenges associated with the absence of a father figure and work on building self-confidence. Each person’s experience is unique, and the impact of the absence of a father figure should be considered in a broader context of their upbringing, support systems, and personal strengths and vulnerabilities.

Would this be likely to affect a man’s self confidence in the sexual arena?

Yes, the absence of a father figure can potentially affect a man’s self-confidence in the sexual arena. Sexual self-confidence is often closely tied to one’s self-esteem, self-image, and interpersonal relationships, and the absence of a positive male role model can influence these factors in a man’s life. Here are some ways in which it might impact sexual self-confidence:

Self-esteem and body image: A strong father figure can contribute to a child’s self-esteem and body image by providing emotional support and validation. Without this support, a man may have negative feelings about his body or self-worth, which can impact his confidence in sexual situations.

Relationship dynamics: A man’s relationship with his father can influence how he forms and maintains intimate relationships. If the father figure is absent or has been a source of conflict or emotional distress, it can affect a man’s ability to connect with and trust others, which can impact sexual self-confidence.

Communication and emotional intimacy: A positive father figure can model healthy communication and emotional intimacy, which are essential in sexual relationships. In the absence of such a role model, a man may struggle with expressing his desires, emotions, or boundaries in the context of sexual relationships.

Sexual education and knowledge: Fathers often play a role in providing sexual education and guidance to their children. An absent or uninvolved father figure may leave a man with gaps in his sexual knowledge and understanding, potentially leading to uncertainty and reduced sexual confidence.

Emotional well-being: The emotional support and guidance of a father figure can contribute to a man’s emotional well-being, which is closely linked to sexual self-confidence. A history of emotional distress or neglect due to the absence of a father figure can impact a man’s overall confidence in various areas of life, including the sexual arena.

It’s important to note that the impact of an absent father figure on sexual self-confidence can vary greatly from one individual to another. Many men can overcome these challenges through personal growth, therapy, and supportive relationships. It’s also worth considering that there are other factors at play, such as cultural and societal influences, that can affect a man’s sexual self-confidence. In cases where an individual’s self-confidence in the sexual arena is significantly affected, seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can be a valuable step in addressing and resolving these issues.

Uncategorized

Reducing Sexual Anxiety

Solve Erectile Dysfunction & Delayed Ejaculation With This Powerful Treatment

You and your partner can address either erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation together. This is not difficult, though it does  require dedication and patience, perhaps quite a lot of patience. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, and the treatment for full sexual health is one worth pursuing.

We start with some exercises designed to show you how enjoyable physical stimulation can be, as well as increase intimacy and connection with your partner. These exercises set you up to do the more specific work designed for erection problems.

Sensate Focus Exercises

You’re going to do each of these exercises at least once, and you move on to the next when you’re happy you’ve got as much out of the exercise as you can.

Make sure you and your partner know and understand what’s going to happen before you embark on the exercises.

As you can appreciate, it helps if you have a regular time each week to practice this work, when you will be free of stress, distractions, work and family worries.

Video – sensate focus

You aren’t going to “get it” all in one go, so don’t worry if things don’t go according to plan. If you can take the attitude that it’s a fun and light-hearted process, you’re much more likely to enjoy it. And, also, find that it’s successful in reducing the level of erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation problems that you have. Even better, your partner is more likely to enjoy it as well. Certainly if you feel stressed while you do the exercises, then you need to lighten up a bit and take it all less seriously.

Yes, erectile dysfunction is a serious problem, but it can be solved and this treatment can be fun if you relax into it. Your erection is only one aspect of sexual communication. This series of exercise, this self-help treatment, will help improve much of the rest of your sex life. It can reduce anxiety, get you and your partner to be more intimate, and begin to establish in your mind the understanding that you are not necessarily impotent for life.

It is important that you keep your attention on what’s happening, and not go off on some fantasy or other. Each time you begin to think about other things, bring your attention gently back to the process. 

This includes the moments when you begin to think about what you look like, whether your partner is enjoying it, what state of erection your penis is in, whether this treatment for erectile dysfunction will work, or indeed anything irrelevant, including what the cause of your delayed ejaculation issues might be!

When you find yourself drifting off on thoughts or fantasies, just remind yourself that you are focusing on your body. Take a deep breath to relax any tension or anxiety that may have developed. Don’t be hard on yourself, and don’t think negatively: for example, if you think to yourself “don’t get nervous”, guess what will probably happen?

You do need to keep on doing this for as long as it takes to develop the skill of just being in the moment (or, at least, being more in the moment).

Should you have problems with a delay before you ejaculate, a problem that affects more than one man in ten, it’s well worth finding a holistic solution to the problem,  that you can come to enjoy sex more than you currently do. The point is that failure to ejaculate is an aversive experience which can put you off sex and make you lose your erection.

Step 1 – How You Can Relax

The first thing you have to do before you try sensate focus as a cure for erecile dysfunction (or delayed ejaculation) is to learn to relax. This may sound easy, but the truth is that the level of relaxation we’re talking about here is a lot deeper than the casual relaxation you might enjoy when you sit down after a hard day’s work to watch TV, say.

 This kind of deep relaxation takes a little time and effort to develop. Whatever method you use, you will start your sensate focus sessions by relaxing for fifteen minutes, and continue to use the relaxation techniques throughout the exercises that come later.

You can develop the art of relaxation through deep breathing. There are several methods you can use:

Method 1

Lie down on the bed, on your back, and breath slowly and deeply. If you wish, you can place your hands on your abdomen as you breath: deep abdominal breathing can be far more relaxing than shallow chest breathing: you can feel your diaphragm rising and falling with your hand.

Each time you breath out, relax more and more. Focus on your breathing. Each time you become aware that your attention has wandered, gently bring it back to your breathing, with a gentle reminder to yourself that the purpose of what you are doing is to be in the moment.

Focus your attention briefly on the places in your body where you feel tension, and feel them relax as you become aware of them. Keep practicing for fifteen minutes or so, until you feel more relaxed.

Method 2

This is the exercise I personally used when I cured my own erectile dysfunction, and it’s the one I recommend to clients.

Lie chest to back on your sides with your partner on the bed in the spoons position. You’re both facing the same way, so you can tuck yourselves together. You can start either way round, and swap later on. The idea of the exercise is to synchronize your breathing.

You both breath in and out together, slowly and calmly. One of you leads, and the other follows, sensing the time to breath in and the time to breath out by feeling the movement of your partner’s body alongside you. If you allow yourself to give up thinking and focus on the breathing, you’ll find this is a wonderfully relaxing and calming technique that allows you to develop great feelings of intimacy and closeness to your partner.

After you’ve spent five or ten minutes breathing one way, move over so the other person is in front and repeat the exercise.

You may find that you get aroused while you do this. In which case, try and focus more on the breathing rather than on the body of your partner. And don’t indulge in any sexual fantasy!

Method 3 Reducing your anxiety about sexual situations

You probably know all about the sexual situations which cause you anxiety. You can use these relaxation techniques to make them seem less threatening or to reduce your anxiety while you are in them in real life.

The way to do this is to associate some relaxing image that you find tranquil and calming with your physical state of relaxation. Later, when you are in the anxiety producing situation, you can bring the relaxing scene to mind and you will find your anxiety levels reduce immediately.

Start by thinking of an image that you will find relaxing. It could be a place, a person or an object, or indeed anything at all that you find calming. Then, use the relaxation techniques 1 or 2 above to achieve a state of relaxation. Bring the image to mind and tell yourself that “whenever I bring this image to mind I will enter a state of deep relaxation, as deeply relaxed as I am now, and deeper every time.” This will forge an association between the image and a deep state of relaxation.

Video – reducing sexual anxiety

Later, when you are in an anxiety-producing sexual situation, you can either use the relaxation techniques described in 1 and 2 above to reduce your anxiety, or you can bring to mind the image of the relaxing scene you developed in method 3. In all cases, you will relax, and your anxiety will significantly diminish. This will allow you to refocus on what you are feeling in your body, not on the anxious and worried thoughts in your mind.

how to prolong intercourse, premature ejaculation treatment

How To Overcome Premature Ejaculation

THE START-STOP TECHNIQUE FOR PREMATURE EJACULATION

The original treatment for controlling premature ejaculation was developed in 1955 by Dr. James Semans. It’s based on stopping and starting sexual stimulation in a graded way, so that a man is exposed gradually increasing levels of sexual stimulation. As his tolerance for prolonged duration of sexual stimulation increases, so does his degree of control over ejaculation.

Video – stop start technique

The idea is that he controls his arousal at each stage of this process so that he learns to cope with incremental increases in sexual stimulation without becoming more aroused. It’s a very effective technique provided that it’s used rigorously and practice is maintained.

The man receives stimulation from his partner until he feels he is getting near to the point of ejaculatory inevitability. Stimulation stops at that point until the man feels that his arousal has dropped.

It then begins again, and the process is repeated a number of times until he becomes much more accustomed to receiving stimulation without getting over aroused. It’s possible to do this oneself without a partner using masturbation and stopping when you’re about to reach orgasm. You can then use a similar approach to extending the length of sex in bed with your partner. 

Does The Stop-Start Technique For Stopping Premature Ejaculation Actually Work?

Developed by Dr James Semans, and long regarded as a good way to control ejaculation, things have changed.  There’s lately been been some debate about whether or not the stop start technique for controlling premature ejaculation is actually any good or not.

Semans really was a pioneer way ahead of his time, and developed a treatment method for premature ejaculation that no-one had heard of before.

He said that most men were scared of the fact that premature ejaculation might be psychological, and tended to see a doctor to get a physical cure. However, as he observed, women were dissatisfied with sex where men came so quickly. (So much so that a definition of premature ejaculation might be that the man “ejaculated before the woman had reached orgasm”.)

Now, in response to this demand for greater control in men and better sex for women, Semans was to develop a treatment method that was basically all about encouraging men to learn how to tolerate sexual stimulation without ejaculating.

And the way he did this was what we know as the “stop-start technique”. Starting with masturbation, a man would stimulate himself to the point where he was about to ejaculate, and then he would stop stimulating himself and wait until his arousal had dropped.

Now you all know this point, it’s called the “point of no return”, or the “point of ejaculatory inevitability“, and the sensations that build up at this point are unmistakable and very well known to every man who’s ever masturbated or had sex.

These feeling serve as a good indication of the fact that ejaculation is about to happen. So stimulation is stopped at this point, and according to Seman’s treatment protocol the man waits until the sensations in his penis and pelvis have decreased and he knows that he’s no longer on the verge of ejaculation.

This cycle is repeated as many times as may be necessary during masturbation to allow the man to develop greater tolerance of sexual stimulation.

As Semans put it, this was the mechanism of prolonging the ejaculation reflex. Now the man’s erection might or might not soften, but that’s irrelevant, because stimulation of the penis will always bring it back to full hardness. It’s the interruption of stimulation, the pause, and the resumption, that allows a man to receive sexual stimulation without ejaculating too quickly.

Naturally enough, the treatment protocol moves from masturbation by the man, to masturbation by the partner, to sexual intercourse as it develops. This requires the full co-operation of the man’s sexual partner. 

So the idea was that in stage two, the woman would masturbate the man until he told her that he was about to ejaculate, and at this point she would remove her hand and stop stimulating him. The process was repeated over and over many times, until in the final sequence or cycle of stimulation man was allowed to ejaculate.

In addition, the couple went through a progressive series of exercises, starting with a dry hand, and finishing with ample slippery lubricant which mirrored the environment of the vagina.

When good control had been established during masturbation, the man and woman would use the same process during intercourse – stimulation to the point of ejaculation, then pausing, then continuing to make love.

Semans claimed that it was possible for a man to be so tolerant of sexual stimulation that he was able to tolerate indefinite stimulation without ejaculation even when using lubricant. If that was transferable to sex, then the man would have marvelous ejaculatory control!

While this seems to be a very simple technique, Semans reported great success with it. Obviously one of the downsides is the interruption of sex during partner-masturbation and partner-intercourse. In the latter, the penis is withdrawn, and the man allows his arousal to drop before recommencing intercourse.

Finally, maybe one of the reasons Seman’s patients showed such dramatic improvements in length of their ejaculatory latency was that he was basically educating them in sexual techniques of which they were ignorant.

Does it work? Check that out here.

The Squeeze Technique As Treatment For PE

Video on the squeeze technique for PE

Interestingly enough, Masters’ and Johnson’s claimed a lot of success with their “squeeze technique” – but it’s not been so for other therapists trying it. Did they claimed a higher success rate than they actually achieved? (The essence is: squeeze the glans before ejaculation till the urge to ejaculate diminishes. Repeat as required. That’s simplified, and shortened, but that’s basically it.)

Maybe, but perhaps their success rate was down to their relationship with their patients – a long relationship, extensive and deeply committed.  

One of its advantages over the squeeze technique is the latter involves firm pressure being applied to the base of the penile glans between the frenulum and the coronal ridge on the opposite side. This id done at the point where the man becomes aware of the sensations of emission.

This certainly reduces his sexual arousal, and often causes his erection to decrease in rigidity, thereby moving his sexual arousal back down to a lower level. That way he can continue with sexual activity for longer, but it’s sometimes uncomfortable. Also, it is certainly disrupting to intimacy between the partners. And the stop start technique is more amenable to incorporation into sexual play than the squeeze technique.

Personal Experience With This Premature Ejaculation Cure

Ian Kerner is a certified clinical sexologist who has written about his own experience of learning to control his ejaculation. He says that it was the stop-start method that finally smashed his relationship into pieces (though his girlfriend at the time does not sound like a particularly accommodating woman).

According to his account, with so much stopping and rather less starting, she finally lost patience, shouted “Are we having sex or parking the car?” and stormed out of the room! She gave him an ultimatum that he had to have his sexual performance figured out, his premature ejaculation cured, by the time she got back from a business trip. And then he went into a place of feeling like a little boy incapable of controlling his bodily functions.

This does remind us that part of the problem with premature ejaculation is psychological. The shadow of emotional wounds with women during childhood – mother, sisters, other family members – can impact a little boy for life. He may, as an adult, develop shadow energies around women which continue to play out in adulthood. This is a complex area, but you may find this book helps to explain the idea of shadow. You can also buy the book in the USA – the book is  about the shadow, human psychology and emotional healing. 

Kerner says, in fact, that he considered PE his “tragic downfall”. With more experience and knowledge, of course, Kerner soon discovered that he’s actually one of a vast body of men who have little ability to overcome premature ejaculation, and who are looking for a cure.

He says as many as 30% of men suffer from this particular sexual dysfunction. However, that 30% figure is based on self-reporting.  But premature ejaculation may actually be “natural”. It does make sense from the point of view of evolution that the fastest ejaculating males would be a more likely to succeed in fertilizing a female. For one thing they’d be safer from predators than those who required a prolonged session of mating before they ejaculated.

If PE is not in fact a sexual dysfunction, but a completely normal way of functioning based on normal human physiology, perhaps the term “premature ejaculation” could be replaced by another such as “naturally fast ejaculation”.

Kerner’s personal story was all about how he tried to deal with PE in the usual ways: masturbating before dates, using alcohol, and donning two condoms. He even talks about distracting himself, which is possibly the most classic and the most useless way of controlling your ejaculation. Thinking about corpses during sex does not make for a pleasant experience! He even tried herbal medicines and a dab of cocaine on the tip of his penis, but those strategies did not work either.

After the ultimatum from his girlfriend, Kerner says that he tried to find a cure using biofeedback, self hypnosis and “masturbation training” from a specialist.  Needless to say, of course, he’d achieved no greater control by the time he went to bed with her after the business trip.

In fact, he must have been very nervous because he spontaneously ejaculated before he’d even achieved penetration. His final – and successful – attempt to find a premature ejaculation treatment that worked was with the help of a sex therapist who enabled him to achieve much longer lasting intercourse by using the techniques of behavioral therapy.

 

erectile dysfunction

The hidden erection problem in young men

Erection problems in young men

A study in Western Australia on male erectile dysfunction found that one quarter of men had erection problems, and one in twelve had severe erectile difficulty.

The study was conducted by sending postal questionnaires to randomly selected men in the electoral roll. In summary, before we look at the detail of the study, these are the basic facts: 42% of questionnaires were returned to the researchers, so the sample was to some extent self-selected. Among adult men in WA, the occurrence of any erection problem and severe erectile dysfunction was, respectively, 25.0% and 8.5%.

As you might expect, the frequency of erection problems increased with age. Astonishingly, thirty-eight percent of married men and men who had partners experienced erection problems (severe erection problems 19.1%). There was little difference between white collar and blue collar workers; the most disturbing fact of all was that the vast majority of the men had had erection problems for over a year, but only a meagre 14% had asked for or received any treatment.

Erectile dysfunction (erection problems) means that a man is consistently and perhaps recurrently unable to achieve an erection hard enough for penetration and sexual intercourse. The researchers wanted to conduct a survey on erection problems among men in Western Australia, and used the Electoral Roll for June 2001 as the source for the men they questioned.

They selected men by age and location, using 14 random samples of 302 men in and outside Perth. They sent out a reply-paid questionnaire by mail and in it asked questions on medical history and medical treatment, social status, sexual behavior and sexual function. The men were classified as blue or white collar workers and assessed for social deprivation. The data was collected using the International Index for Erectile Function, which is also called the Sexual Health Inventory for Men.

4,228 questionnaires were posted, and 1,580 (89.3%) returned with a full set of answers. These 1,580 men were aged between 20.1 and 99.6 years. For the purpose of this study they were grouped by age. Erection problems occurred in 25% of the whole sample, and and an astonishing 8.5% of these men reported severe erection problems.

Both the frequency of occurrence and the severity of erection problems increased very significantly with age, particularly after a man reached 50 years of age. But even 15% of the young men aged between 20 and 29 years had erectile problems – and surprisingly, this was less than the men in the next older age groups.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, there was a decline in sexual activity in men of 60 years and older; over 70 years of age, sexual activity declined sharply. But a significant number of the men over 60 (42.6%) and over 70 (25.7%) were sexually active.

There are many interesting facts in this survey beyond those related to erection problems. For example, while about three quarters of the men were married or living with sexual partners, only three quarters of these men were sexually active.

Of the ones who were sexually active, just over 60% said they were having sex on a regular basis. Of the other quarter who were not living with a wife or partner, 53.9% were sexually active – and indeed 39.2% of these men said they had sexual intercourse on a regular basis.

A majority of the men were employed, though 36.8% had retired on grounds of age and 6.8% had retired on the grounds of ill-health.

The highest incidence of erectile problems occurred in clerical, sales, and service workers, but the occurrence of erection problems wasn’t really much different between blue collar and white collar workers. What is less surprising is that erection problems occurred most often in men from economically deprived areas. We know stress is a potent factor in causing a loss of a man’s sense of male power, so there is nothing surprising about that.

Most of the men (a massive 89.1%) with erection problems had had  their difficulties for more than 1 year, and a whopping 74.8% had had erection problems for more than two years; unbelievably 12.2% said they had been suffering for more than 10 years. And the longer it went on, the worse it got. Yet only 90 men (a meager 14.1%) had ever looked for and got any treatment.

Most studies on erection problems have looked at men aged between 40 and 70 years, but this study covered a much bigger range. To this extent, then, it represents the entire spectrum of adult men in WA. You have to assume that this is typical of the results in much of the Western World, and it is truly shocking.

When you look at the detail, it seems odd that men in the 20 – 29 age group appeared to have more erection problems than the 30 – 39 years age group. Possible explanations include commonplace stress of early adulthood such as new relationships, new work responsibilities, and stress linked to leaving home. Among men aged between 40 and 69 years, erection problems occurred in 33.0% of men, while severe erection problems occurred in 8.6%. In fact, the age of a man is far more important than any other factor in determining whether a man has an erection problem.

Both the frequency and the severity of erection problems increase with age. And since the older age groups were under-represented in the study, the true frequency of erection problems and of severe erection problems in men may have been higher than the recorded levels of 25.1 and 8.5%.

Australian demography is changing rapidly, and the proportion of men aged 65 years and older will increase dramatically in the years to come – which means erection problems will pose huge clinical and socioeconomic burdens on healthcare providers and social support services in the years ahead – if men choose to seek help, which currently they are not doing.

The majority of the participants in the Western Australia Men’s Health Study, from where these results are taken, were married or had partners, even though an astonishing 25% or more of these men were not enjoying an active sex life. Of the men aged 70 years and older, a fair proportion remained sexually active.

All these findings matched the results from the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors, a large scale project in which over thirteen thousand men from 30 countries were asked about their sexual behavior. Over 84% of men in this study aged between forty and eighty said they’d had sexual intercourse within the 12 months preceding the study. Among the men who were sexually active, about half said they had sexual intercourse regularly.

Analysis of the results of the study also showed that being separated or divorced may be one of the predisposing factors for erection problems. (Though once again, of course, whether the erection problems were a cause of, or simply unrelated to, separation and divorce, is unclear. In other studies, it has been shown that men with severe erection problems are much more likely to be single, without regular sexual partners.

Erection problems have previously been associated with lower socioeconomic status. The current study demonstrated that erection problems occurred in a smaller proportion of men who were in full- or part-time employment compared to the unemployed.

Of the 468 men in the study who reported on the length of time for which they had endured erection problems, 47.9% had had the problem for between one and five years. This matches other studies in the general population, where 55% of men with the problem were found to have had erectile dysfunction of one sort or another for this period. The current authors’ observation that men who had had it for longer also had more severe problems is neither surprising nor novel.

In spite of erection problems being a common and often long-standing condition, only 14.1% of the men with erection problems had ever received any treatment.

This suggests that there is an urgent need for sexual education and awareness information at every level. And certainly, if it’s true that the longer the erection problems continue, the worse they get, then men with any erection problem should get professional assistance as soon as possible so that therapeutic intervention can be started in the milder stages of erectile dysfunction.

It’s also important to remember that erection problems may indicate cardiovascular and endothelial disease – so once again, there is a clear incentive for erection problems to be comprehensively investigated. In this study in WA, erectile dysfunction was found to be apparently under-diagnosed and grossly undertreated. Whether or not this is true – and if it is, whether or not it applies to the rest of the world – remains to be seen.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine

Volume 5 Issue 1 Page 60-69, January 2008

To cite this article: Kew-Kim Chew MBBS, FRCPEdin, FRCPGlasg, Bronwyn Stuckey MBBS, FRACP, Alexandra Bremner BSc(Hons), GradDipAppStats, PhD, Carolyn Earle BSc, PGradDipHithSci, Konrad Jamrozik MBBS, D Phil (2008) Male Erectile Dysfunction: Its Prevalence in Western Australia and Associated Sociodemographic Factors
The Journal of Sexual Medicine 5 (1) , 60–69 doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2007.00548.x

how to prolong intercourse

Last A Lot Longer In Bed!

A Solution For Rapid Ejaculators!

Start by masturbating, in the presence of your partner.

Indeed, your partner can pleasure you if she is willing to participate in the “therapy”.

If she is pleasuring you, you will need to indicate to her when you are approaching the point of no return.

But whether it is you or her doing it, close your eyes and focus on your bodily experience. Slow down or stop if you are getting too aroused and too near the point of ejaculation. This way, you won’t experience a rapid ejaculation.

Stop before you get too aroused.

When you feel that your progress towards orgasm and ejaculation has leveled off and your level of arousal has diminished, you can start to apply stimulation once again.

Repeat the sequence of stimulation to below the point of no return and then stopping stimulation three times. Each time, you need to pause for a minute, or longer, so that your arousal drops and you are in no “danger” of ejaculating before you start stimulating yourself again.

On the fourth cycle, continue till you reach climax, making sure you observe the sensations in your body so that you learn to identify the feelings associated with an impending ejaculation.

Over the next two weeks, repeat this exercise at least three times, either with your partner or alone.

If you apply some clear effort and intention to this, you should find that you can control your ejaculation and your stamina increases quite quickly. You may find you can last a lot longer in bed quite easily.

The next step is to control the rate at which you move towards climax.

By varying the degree of self-stimulation you will find that you can easily control this, and you can develop tolerance of much greater stimulation before ejaculation becomes inevitable. Now, this requires some self-discipline. I’ve worked with men for a long time, and I know that the energy required to resists the pleasure of orgasm is considerable. It requires clear warrior energy – the ability to set internal boundaries as well as external boundaries. (And when I refer to internal boundaries, I am speaking of the kind of mental and emotional discipline required to say NO! to the urge to ejaculate, or use porn, or any other practice which is fundamentally unhelpful to you as an individual.) Many men lack Warrior energy because they simply were not brought up in a way that allowed them to embody their masculinity fully. If you feel that some help and guidance in this area might assist you in creating greater self-discipline, this book is a very useful handbook to stepping into your masculinity and becoming the man you can be (and perhaps, as the author says, were always meant to be!)

This new found control will form the basis of your ability to control premature ejaculation and last longer during intercourse.

You will probably develop the ability to keep yourself on the verge of climax for prolonged periods quite quickly.

Practice this regularly over the next three weeks to reinforce this skill.

Continued below the video.

Sidebar: Video on premature ejaculation

The next step is to stimulate your penis in a way that feels like you are making love to your partner, while still maintaining this level of control.

You can do this by using a lubricant and getting your partner to stimulate you using her cupped hand around the shaft and head of your penis.

Although it maybe much more sensuous, by following the same routine as described above, you will again quickly develop a level of control over your ejaculation far greater than you had before.

The next step is to enjoy entering your partner while still maintaining control over your arousal.

This is done while you lie on your back and your partner goes on top. You may work up gradually to full intercourse, perhaps starting by gently rubbing your bodies together or by just enjoying lovemaking with shallow penetration…. that should help you last longer in bed. lovemaking.

Greater Control and Endurance 

At all times, the objective is to remain in control of your arousal: if it begins to increase too rapidly, focus on your bodily sensations or withdraw from your partner altogether until (1) you are less aroused  and (2) you feel you have your arousal and level of sexual excitement back under control.

Once you are making love, move inside your partner gently or ask her to move on you in a gentle way so that you do not become too stimulated.

If your arousal begins to shoot up,  stop moving or withdraw form her vagina until your arousal is back under control.

This process should enable you to counter premature ejaculation and learn how to enjoy intimacy for longer periods before you feel the urge to ejaculate.

After practicing for six months, one man who worked with me on learning to last for longer periods during intercourse increased his control from two minutes to last for sixteen minutes.

Another man, who had been able to last for ten minutes now lasted, so he said, on average twenty minutes.

So, I’d conclude that if you are motivated and determined to control your premature ejaculation, you can do so without too much difficulty.

Both men and women may like longer lasting sex!

Read some scientific research here.

If you’re a man and you think “No, it isn’t like that, I don’t have any control”, ask yourself if you have ever fantasized about giving a woman a wonderful orgasm as you were totally dominating her!

Yes? We men are – at least to some extent – culturally conditioned to think of ourselves as responsible for a woman’s pleasure.

So how’s the poor guy with premature ejaculation going to get out of this trap?

Answer: she takes responsibility for her own pleasure by consciously asking him to satisfy her, or by doing it herself…. and he stops feeling he has to please her.

Now, just for a moment let’s go back to a couple where the woman loves reaching her climax by means of foreplay and he gets his pleasure from reaching orgasm while he’s inside her, even if that happens quite quickly.

Fitness equal sexual success?
Is sex a mutually rewarding experience for you?

Great for some couples, I have no doubt.

But….some women could achieve climax if their man had enough staying power (i.e he could last and last before he came….).

And to make a woman come like this often takes fifteen or twenty minutes of lovemaking, and a fairly vigorous level of sexual activity, so the reality is most men enjoy their climax long before the woman gets to hers.

So does this mean the man’s at fault if she couldcome during intercourse but doesn’t make it to orgasm?

If you think the man has a natural role to play in intercourse – satisfying a woman – then I suppose he is, even if by any other standard he’s a pretty good lover.

One answer for a couple like this is to get some training in Tantric techniques, so they can work towards the pleasures of long lasting sex.

But for most couples Tantra is irrelevant.

Rapid ejaculation is a problem mostly for men who lack confidence and for men whose self-esteem is not supported by their relationship.

For them, the solution might involve finding ways to feel good about themselves, developing greater self-confidence, and using a treatment program supported by each other.

Sometimes one or other partner sabotages the program (“It’s boring”; “It just doesn’t work”; “It takes too much time”; and so on).

When that happens, I always wonder if they really want to change or if it’s less risky to be stuck where they are, feeling the same old feelings, and reinforcing how each of them feels about themselves and each other.

The Power Of Youth –  Long May It Last!

Lastly, though, there’s the young man, horny as heck and very sexually inexperienced, who has premature ejaculation just because he’s getting his girl and it thrills him!

This is the curse of youth, though it’s compensated for by his ability to carry on making love for longer only a few minutes later as though nothing’s happened!

For this man, the answer is greater lovemaking experience and a steady partner who loves him, and who can help him learn and grow as a lover.

Finally, remember, a man worrying about his ejaculation may be missing the fact that it’s not really that much of a problem for his partner: which means he’s not listening to her.

He’s living with his own fears and doubts…. and with his own beliefs about what his partner wants, which he’s not checking out with her.

So have some hope, whether you are a man who ejaculates too soon or a woman in love with such a guy.

Premature ejaculation can be stopped – but doing so may involve taking a long, hard look at yourself and your relationship.