Category Archives: shadow work

shadow work, shadow work and intimacy

Shadow work can help with sexual and relationship problems

Shadow work can be a valuable tool for resolving sexual difficulties and emotional issues in a relationship.

Here’s how it can help:

Understanding Hidden Aspects Of The Self

Shadow work involves exploring the hidden or suppressed aspects of ourselves, often referred to as the “shadow.” These can include unresolved emotions, past traumas, or negative beliefs that we might not be fully aware of. By bringing these to light, you can understand why certain emotional triggers or patterns occur in your relationship, including those related to intimacy and sexuality.

Shadow work promotes greater self-awareness, which is crucial in a relationship. When both partners engage in shadow work, they can better understand their own emotional baggage and how it might be affecting their sexual connection and emotional intimacy.  Many sexual difficulties are rooted in unresolved trauma or negative experiences from the past. Shadow work helps in identifying and addressing these wounds, leading to healing and a more positive sexual experience.

By understanding your shadow self, you can communicate more openly and honestly with your partner about your needs, desires, and fears. This can lead to a deeper emotional connection and more fulfilling sexual relationship.

Teal Swan on shadow work

Shadow work can also help you identify and break negative patterns or cycles of intimacy in your relationship. For example, if one partner unconsciously sabotages intimacy due to fear of vulnerability, shadow work can help bring this behavior to light and transform it. Understanding each other’s shadow aspects can foster empathy and compassion, reducing judgment and conflict in the relationship.

Enhancing Emotional Intimacy

As both partners delve into their shadow selves and share these experiences, it can build trust and emotional closeness. This can be particularly beneficial for overcoming sexual difficulties, as emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual satisfaction.
Shadow work encourages vulnerability, which can lead to more authentic and deeper emotional connections. This openness can enhance both emotional and sexual intimacy.

However, if you’re dealing with deep-seated trauma or severe sexual difficulties, working with a therapist skilled in shadow work or a related approach can be particularly beneficial. For shadow work to be most effective in a relationship, both partners should be open to the process and willing to explore their own shadows.

Learning about shadow work before trying it out is a wise approach!

Shadow work involves exploring deep and often uncomfortable aspects of yourself. Start by reading books on shadow work. Here are some recommendations.

Owning Your Own Shadow by Robert A. Johnson: This is a great introduction to the concept of the shadow, explaining how it forms and affects our lives.  Shadow Dance by David Richo delves into how shadow work can improve relationships, making it particularly relevant for your situation.

You can also watch videos and lectures, which are easily available on YouTube, where there are many videos and talks by psychologists, therapists, and spiritual teachers who explain shadow work in accessible ways. In particular, search for lectures by Carl Jung experts, as Jung was the pioneer of the shadow concept, and also look for videos by Marianne Hill, who has brought a new approach to shadow work in the 21st century. 

Yet another approach is to explore articles and blogs which contain material about shadow work. Websites like Psychology Today often have articles that discuss shadow work, providing practical insights and examples. Many coaches and therapists write about their experiences with shadow work, offering real-life examples and tips.

You can also do some practical exercises. Start with basic journaling prompts to explore your shadow. Examples include: “What qualities in others do I dislike? How might these reflect parts of myself?”  and “What recurring patterns or themes do I notice in my relationships?” or “What memories make me feel ashamed or embarrassed? Why?”
You can also use journaling to reflect on daily interactions and any strong emotional reactions. This can help you begin to identify shadow aspects.

Some online communities offer a great approach to shadow work. For example, forums and social media groups focused on shadow work are places  where people share their experiences, challenges, and insights. Reddit has a few subreddits dedicated to shadow work, and Facebook has several active groups. If you are ready to take part, look online for workshops or webinars led by therapists or spiritual teachers who specialize in shadow work.

At some point you may wish to speak with a therapist who has experience in shadow work, Jungian psychology, or depth psychology. They can provide personalized guidance and ensure you’re approaching it safely and effectively. That said, there is much you can do for yourself, for example by engaging in “Mindful Observation”. This means that you begin by observing your reactions and feelings in everyday situations. Notice when you feel triggered, jealous, or overly emotional—these reactions often point to shadow aspects. As you start exploring your shadow, remember to approach yourself with kindness and compassion. Shadow work can bring up difficult emotions, so it’s important to take care of yourself during the process.

Meditation and Mindfulness Practices are guided meditations specifically designed for shadow work. These can help you access and integrate shadow aspects in a gentle and controlled way. Regular mindfulness practice can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, making it easier to recognize shadow aspects as they arise.

By taking these steps, you can build a solid understanding of shadow work, ensuring you approach it with the knowledge and tools needed to make it a positive and transformative experience.

archetypes, shadow work

Archetypes and Therapy

What are archetypes and who came up with the idea of archetypes?

The term “archetype” has a rich history and multifaceted meaning, making it a fascinating concept to explore.

In its simplest form, an archetype is a fundamental pattern or model that recurs across cultures and throughout history. These patterns can manifest in various forms, including Characters like the hero, the wise old man, the trickster, the damsel in distress,  and so on.  Or situations like the quest, the battle, the fall from grace and so on. Or as symbols: The circle, the tree, the snake, the water, and more. Then again, they occur as themes: good vs. evil, love and loss, betrayal and redemption, are but a few examples. 

Jung believed archetypes resided in the “collective unconscious,” a shared pool of memory and experience inherited from previous generations. This idea suggests that certain stories, characters, and themes resonate deeply with us because they tap into something universally human.

Who came up with the idea of archetypes?

Although the concept of archetypes has been explored throughout history, the most significant contribution came from Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. In the early 20th century, Jung proposed that archetypes are innate, non-personal elements of the psyche. He identified several key archetypes: 

  • The Persona: The public face we present to the world.
  • The Shadow: Our repressed or rejected traits and drives.
  • The Anima/Animus: The feminine/masculine principle within us all.
  • The Self: The core of our being, striving for wholeness and individuation.

Jung believed that understanding our individual archetypes is crucial for personal growth and psychological integration. But while Jung laid the groundwork for understanding archetypes, other scholars and theorists have expanded upon his ideas. Joseph Campbell identified the “monomyth,” a recurring narrative framework found in myths and storytelling across cultures. Robert Moore and Douglas Gillete wrote of the mdern male archetypes of King Warrior Magician and Lover.

Archetypes in everyday life

Understanding archetypes can be valuable in various aspects of life. For example, recognizing archetypes can help us appreciate the deeper meaning and significance of stories. And identifying our own dominant archetypes can offer insights into our motivations, strengths, and challenges, which can be helpful in understanding ourselves. 

To take another exmaple, recognizing archetypes in others can help us better understand their perspectives and communication styles, while writers and artists can use archetypes to create stories that resonate with a universal audience.

Introduction to the archetypes

In what way are archetypes relevant to our world today?

Archetypes are surprisingly extensive and multifaceted concepts which play a major role in our world. These are som examples of this idea:

  1. Archetypes form the building blocks of storytelling, from ancient myths to modern superhero movies. They offer familiar frameworks for understanding complex themes and conflicts, connecting with audiences on a deep emotional level. By tapping into these universal patterns, writers, filmmakers, and artists can create stories that resonate across cultures and generations.
  2. Recognizing archetypes in ourselves and others can provide valuable insights into our motivations, behaviors, and communication styles. This self-awareness can aid in personal growth, foster empathy, and strengthen relationships. For example, understanding the shadow side of our archetypes can help us confront suppressed aspects of ourselves while the “Anima/Animus” can inform us about our relationships with the opposite sex.
  3. Archetypes can offer valuable tools for understanding and addressing challenges we face in the modern world. For instance, the concept of the “trickster” can shed light on misinformation and manipulation, while the “hero” can inspire courage and resilience in the face of adversity. Analyzing archetypes within social movements or political landscapes can offer deeper insights into motivations and dynamics.
  4. Businesses and individuals leverage archetypes to connect with their target audience on an emotional level. By portraying themselves through archetypes like the “innovator,” the “caregiver,” or the “rebel,” they can tap into existing cultural associations and resonate with specific values or aspirations.
  5. Fostering creativity and innovation: Archetypes act as catalysts for imagination and inspire new ideas. By understanding and reinterpreting these universal patterns, artists, entrepreneurs, and innovators can create fresh perspectives and develop solutions to contemporary challenges.

However, it’s important to remember that Archetypes are not rigid boxes or limitations. They offer flexible frameworks, constantly evolving and adapting to new contexts. And an over-reliance on archetypes can lead to stereotyping and a reductive understanding of human complexity. The critical analysis of archetypes allows us to avoid blind acceptance and ensure their meaning remains relevant in today’s world. 

So, overall, archetypes remain potent forces in shaping our understanding of ourselves, each other, and the world around us. By approaching them with awareness and critical thinking, we can unlock their potential to navigate the complexities of the modern world and contribute to a more informed and connected society.

And how do archetypes play a part in therapy?

They offer valuable tools for both therapists and clients to explore the depths of the human psyche. For example, therapists can recognize underlying patterns and conflicts in clients’ narratives and behaviors by understanding archetypal themes. Also, someone struggling with recurring feelings of betrayal might resonate with the archetype of the “wounded warrior”, while someone grappling with self-doubt might embody the “magician’s archetypal inner critic.” Identifying these archetypal patterns can provide a starting point for deeper exploration and therapeutic intervention.

Next, archetypes residing in the collective unconscious, can bypass the defenses of the conscious mind and tap into deeper emotional experiences. Dreams, fantasies, and symbolic imagery often embody archetypal themes, offering valuable insights into unconscious conflicts and desires. Therapists trained in Jungian or archetypal psychology can utilize these symbolic expressions to guide clients towards self-discovery and healing.

Moreover, the core of Jungian therapy focuses on achieving individuation, the process of integrating different aspects of the personality into a whole. Archetypes serve as guiding forces in this process, helping clients confront their Shadow (repressed aspects), embrace their Anima/Animus (gender polarity), and ultimately connect with their authentic Self. By understanding and working with these archetypal energies, clients can move towards greater wholeness and personal growth.

And again, Archetypes offer powerful frameworks for finding meaning and purpose in life. The “hero’s journey,” for example, provides a relatable structure for navigating challenges and overcoming obstacles. Therapists can help clients identify their own archetypal journeys, connecting their personal struggles to universal themes and fostering a sense of agency and purpose.

Finally, recognizing archetypes in oneself and others can improve communication and foster empathy in therapy. Therapists can utilize archetypal understanding to bridge different perspectives, create a safe space for vulnerable self-expression, and build a stronger therapeutic alliance. This deeper connection can facilitate more effective communication and support the healing process.

It’s important to note that using archetypes in therapy is not about rigidly categorizing individuals or applying simplistic labels. Rather, it’s about offering flexible frameworks and symbolic language to understand the complexities of the human experience. By approaching archetypes with an open mind and critical lens, therapists can utilize their transformative potential to guide clients on their journeys towards self-discovery and healing.

To conclude: archetypes are not static concepts; they evolve and adapt to the ever-changing landscape of our world. As therapy continues to evolve, incorporating diverse perspectives and cultural contexts, the understanding and application of archetypes will undoubtedly continue to expand and refine, offering even more potent tools for therapists and clients alike.

James Hillman video – archetypal therapy

What is “parts work” in therapy?

“Part work” in therapy refers to a broad range of approaches that view our psyche as a collection of internal sub-personalities, often called “parts,” with distinct characteristics, roles, and motivations. These parts are believed to have formed in response to various life experiences, particularly challenging or traumatic ones. By understanding and working with these internal parts, therapists aim to address inner conflicts, heal old wounds, and promote greater integration and wholeness within the individual.

Key features of parts work

Parts work acknowledges that we are not singular entities but rather have numerous internal voices, feelings, and perspectives. Recognizing and validating these different parts is crucial for understanding our own behavior and emotional responses.

Each part is believed to have a specific role or function within the psyche. Some parts might protect us from emotional pain, while others might push us towards certain behaviors or fulfill unmet needs. Identifying these roles helps us gain insight into our inner landscape. When our internal parts have conflicting agendas or needs, it can lead to internal conflict and distress. Parts work helps us understand these conflicts, negotiate between parts, and find ways to move towards greater harmony within ourselves.

Many parts work approaches were developed to address the impact of trauma on the psyche. By working with traumatized parts, therapists can help individuals release trapped emotions, process memories, and find inner peace. The ultimate goal of parts work is to help individuals integrate their different parts into a more cohesive and harmonious whole. This allows for greater self-awareness, emotional flexibility, and overall well-being.

Several different therapeutic modalities incorporate elements of parts work, each with its own unique approach and techniques. Some of the most well-known include:

Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz, IFS views the mind as a family of internal parts, each with its own story and needs. The therapist acts as a mediator, helping the individual’s “Self” connect with and heal its various parts.
Ego State Therapy, pioneered by John and Helen Watkins, identifies and works with ego states, which are similar to parts but often associated with specific memories or experiences.
Shadow Work focuses on helping individuals release trapped emotions and trauma held in the body. This can be helpful in working with parts that are primarily experienced through bodily sensations. It also aims to restore the knowldege and power of cut off parts by intergating them into the whole of a person’s psyche. This is explained in this book on shadow work and archetypes.

While parts work can be a powerful tool for healing and growth, it’s important to note that it’s not for everyone. It can be emotionally challenging to confront difficult parts of ourselves, and the process can be time-consuming and require ongoing commitment. It’s crucial to find a therapist who is qualified and experienced in working with parts and who can create a safe and supportive environment for this type of exploration.

Here are some additional things to keep in mind about parts work:

  • It can be helpful to view parts as metaphors or stories rather than literal entities.
  • The goal is not to eliminate parts but to understand and integrate them into the whole.
  • Parts work is often an iterative process, with progress and setbacks being part of the journey.
  • If you’re interested in learning more about parts work and how it might benefit you, speak with a qualified shadow work facilitator or practitioner who can provide more information and guidance.
delayed ejaculation causes and cure, sexual self-confidence, shadow work

The Facts About Delayed Ejaculation

How Come You Can’t Ejaculate?

The Physical Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

One of the problems with research in this field is that there are few well conducted studies on long term delayed ejaculation causes.

That is surprising considering that there are so many men with the condition – estimates range from around 6% to over 10% of men.

Long term delayed ejaculation is not a consciously determined condition – in fact it is completely involuntary, and produces many emotional and practical difficulties for both the man and his partner. You can read more about the treatment of delayed ejaculation in this book.

One of the most challenging consequences is the failure to conceive because of the lack of male climax, but frustration and low self-esteem are also very important.

Delayed ejaculation is also extremely challenging for a man’s partner, as she may consider herself to be unattractive, undesirable, and possibly even a sexual failure.

She may believe that another woman would be better at satisfying her man sexually, and even if she engages in intercourse with her partner, she may be very upset about the extended period of thrusting that may be necessary for him to achieve ejaculation (if he is able to reach orgasm at all).

Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate events in the male body: the first is an event that occurs in the genitals, mediated by nervous pathways through the spinal column.

Orgasm is a much more widespread event, with sensations of pleasure originating in the brain, and possibly spreading throughout the body. The  so-called “numb come”, more scientifically termed “anesthetic ejaculation”, is an illustration of how the two events may occur independently.

The idea of anesthetic ejaculation is rather strange; if you’ve never experienced it, you may find it hard to believe that one can ejaculate without any sensation of orgasm, but it’s not uncommon. It’s usually due to a lack of physical arousal, while the reflex of emission and release of seminal fluid continues normally.

This lack of understanding is reflected in the Diagnostic and Statistcal Manual DSM IV, which categorizes reatrded or delayed ejaculation as “male orgasmic disorder”. Having said that, DSM-IV does offer a reasonable definition of delayed ejaculation:

A persistent or recurrent delay in, or absence of, orgasm in a man who has experienced sexual excitement and arousal during sexual activity at a level which would normally produce an orgasm in a man of that age and circumstances.

Unfortunately the DSM-IV definition also includes the statement that the clinician is the judge of what would be “enough” sexual activity to normally produce an orgasm!

This allows us to define it in a different way: delayed ejaculation is a condition where a man finds it difficult or impossible to ejaculate despite receiving adequate sexual stimulation, becoming erect, and desiring to achieve orgasm and ejaculation. It is a condition that can occur in sexual intercourse, masturbation or oral sex.

Another Definition Of Delayed Ejaculation

Bernard Apfelbaum thinks DE results from a man’s lack of sexual desire and sexual excitement.

He observes that most of his clients have difficulty in reaching orgasm with a sexual partner present, and suggests that such difficulty in reaching orgasm and ejaculating might be caused by what he calls an “autosexual” orientation.

In other words: a man is only stimulated to orgasm by his own stimulation (often when he is masturbating on his own).

But men with delayed ejaculation (DE for short) often have hard and long lasting erections. Surely this is a sign of sexual arousal? Well, possibly not.

The fact that a man cannot get sufficiently aroused to ejaculate with a sexual partner can be masked by a hard and long lasting erection. But his erection may be neither an expression of sexual desire nor of sexual excitement.

It’s merely a physical response, a bodily reaction, being used by the man to fulfill his partner’s expectations of intercourse.

Apfelbaum also suggested that it was unlikely that men with delayed ejaculation have strong feelings of hostility, anger or rejection towards women.

Shadow work and hostility towards women in sexual relationships

Shadow work can be a powerful tool for individuals seeking to explore and understand their unconscious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, including any hostility towards women. The concept of the “shadow” comes from Jungian psychology, and it refers to the unconscious aspects of the personality that are often hidden or suppressed. These aspects can include both positive and negative traits, emotions, and attitudes.

Here are some ways in which shadow work could help men who have unconscious hostility towards women:

Increased Self-awareness: Shadow work involves introspection and self-reflection. Engaging in this process can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, including any underlying hostility towards women.

Identification of Unconscious Patterns: Through shadow work, individuals may uncover recurring patterns or themes in their thoughts and behaviors that contribute to their hostility. Identifying these patterns is a crucial step toward understanding and addressing them.

Acceptance of the Shadow: Shadow work encourages individuals to accept and integrate both the positive and negative aspects of themselves. By acknowledging the existence of hostile thoughts or feelings, individuals can begin the process of self-acceptance.
Exploration of Root Causes:

Understanding the root causes of unconscious hostility is essential. Shadow work allows individuals to explore their past experiences, societal influences, and personal beliefs that may have contributed to the development of these feelings.

Developing Empathy: Through shadow work, individuals can cultivate empathy by exploring the experiences and perspectives of women. This can involve challenging existing biases and stereotypes, fostering a deeper understanding of the challenges women face.

Integration and Transformation:  Shadow work is not just about awareness but also about transformation. Integrating the shadow involves consciously choosing to change negative patterns and behaviors, replacing them with more positive and constructive attitudes.

Seeking Professional Guidance: Some individuals may find it helpful to engage in shadow work with the assistance of a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide guidance and support throughout the process. It’s important to note that shadow work is a personal and ongoing process, and its effectiveness can vary from person to person. Additionally, in cases where hostility towards women is deeply ingrained or severe, seeking professional help is crucial for a more comprehensive and tailored approach to personal growth and healing.

Another view

Men with DE might just be extremely self-controlling and conscientious about fulfilling the their duties as a sexual partner – the result of which is that they feel under immense pressure to satisfy their woman.

Never able to give enough, according to their internal belief system of how sex works, the man therefore also conveys the impression that his sexual partner is inadequate and cannot function sexually either.

The couple gradually withdraw from sex as a mutually satisfying experience into a world of autosexuality (at least as far as the man is concerned).

In essence, in this theory, delayed ejaculation is the result of a lack of sexual arousal.

And, interestingly, when men with ejaculation difficulties were interviewed in one study, they reported significantly lower levels of sexual arousal than men with normal sexual functioning, men with erectile dysfunction, and men with premature ejaculation.

So, in short, men with a slow, late or delayed climax appear to be characterized by a low level of sexual desire.

This sexual reticence, this delay in reaching orgasm, could be caused by both physical and emotional factors, including low penile sensitivity, a high ejaculatory reflex threshold, and the psychological issues that have already been mentioned.

The Meaning Of Delays In Ejaculation

During treatment, a sex therapist will interview a client to establish exactly how he feels about sexual activity.

He might, for example, ask whether the man experiences pressure to perform sexually even before sex begins, or whether these feelings may emerge later during sexual activity.

Or he may try to establish if a man is “cut off” or emotionally detached from his involvement in the sexual act, i.e., if he is slightly dissociated, a condition known as “spectatoring”.

A therapist would also want to establish the degree of connection between a man’s level of sexual arousal and his ability to gain an erection.

Other questions might include whether a man wanted to receive sexual stimulation from his partner, his level of and involvement in sexual fantasies, whether he had any feelings of guilt, and his ability to understand his own feelings and emotions during sexual contact with his partner.

That’s as opposed to having a focus on satisfying his partner. And it’s important to know about any sense of frustration or boredom during sex.

It’s important to establish how a man who can’t ejaculate understands his partner’s feelings, and what his level of anxiety about achieving orgasm during intercourse actually is (if he’s able to reach climax at all!).

It’s also critical to understand how a man with DE masturbates. This isn’t just about the technique that he uses to achieve orgasm with his hand, or in any other fashion, but also about the inner mental processes that he undergoes, and especially the fantasy imagery which accompanies his masturbation.

The biggest key, perhaps, to a man’s sexual functioning is whether or not there is any level of sexual fantasy about which he feels conflicted and which tries to suppress.

Another key point in analyzing DE is the fact that many men will continue attempting to reach orgasm during intercourse up to a point where they lose their erection.

This critical moment is worthy of close examination, because whatever happens at the point where the man’s erection begins to fade is clearly an important sign of the origin and treatment of his ejaculation problems.

Finally, it’s important to understand that this particular sexual dysfunction can be the product of side effects of drugs taken for other medical conditions.

Psychoanalytic View Of Ejaculation Problems

The psychoanalytic view of delayed ejaculation is that it is the bodily appearance of unconscious fears associated with sex in general, and ejaculation in particular: for example, ejaculation is associated with castration or death, or an unwillingness to “give” (that is to say, give his ejaculate to the sexual partner).

In psychoanalytic terms this is associated with anal-retentiveness.

In essence, something that is unacceptable to an individual is repressed into the conscious mind because s/he cannot allow himself to think or feel it.

Once in there it is transformed into an impulse which manifests in that person’s behavior.

In other words, a man’s reluctance to ejaculate is seen as a symptom of his unconscious hostility or resentment towards his sexual partner.

Apfelbaum has pointed out that there is another way of looking at this entirely: that is to say, a man who ejaculates in a very late fashion may be simply reflecting the fact that he does not want sex with his partner because he dislikes intercourse (or his partner).

In the absence of any justification or reason that will explain to his sexual partner why he feels this way, he instead adopts a pattern of behavior – albeit unconsciously – which involves rigid erections and long-lasting sex, whilst simultaneously and intensely resenting his role in (having to) satisfy his partner.

As Apfelbaum says, delayed ejaculation “is the mentality of the trapped… It is a foreign notion that he might need a good reason to refuse coital orgasms.”

Many men are accused of not wanting to “give” by their sexual partners. This suggests that the resistance to ejaculation is a symptom of a desire to “withhold” – an idea the psychoanalysts love!

But Apfelbaum suggests that this view represents the view of the partner and a generally held social consensus. There is no allowance in it for the fact that an individual man may actually not want to have sex, or that he may not enjoy sex if he does engage in it.

In general, it’s much more plausible to assume that a man who does not ejaculate during sex is in fact a man who is unable to “take, to be selfish, or responsible for his own pleasure, for the satisfaction of his own needs…..

Only when he is alone, masturbating without the presence of another individual, can he enjoy his sexual sensations and allow his desire and arousal to reach the point where he will ejaculate – mostly because he does not have to worry about the satisfaction of his partner.